Quotable Peaks – Albert Rosenfield’s ‘Chowderhead Yokel’ Speech at the Twin Peaks Morgue

David Lynch and Mark Frost’s Twin Peaks wouldn’t be what it is today without Harley Peyton. One of several writers for the show, he contributed some of the most memorable and quotable dialogue. There would be no ‘give yourself a present everyday‘ without Peyton. He was the first writer to tackle the series solo with his script for episode 1.003, which centered around Laura Palmer’s funeral. In this episode, his dialogue for Special Agent Albert Rosenfield (Miguel Ferrer) shines during a scene where he calls Sheriff Harry S. Truman a “chowderhead yokel” at the Twin Peaks Morgue. I find myself relating to Albert’s speech more and more as time passes and [gestures around to current events].

HARLEY PEYTON’S SCRIPT FOR TWIN PEAKS EPISODE 1.003

Harley Peyton published the first draft of episode 1.003 on Sept. 26, 1993. A few days later on Oct. 3, small revisions were made and printed on blue paper. The episode aired on Apr. 26, 1990.

His script was written so well that it was nominated for “Writing, Drama Series” category at the 42 Annual Emmy Awards by the Television Academy of Arts and Sciences in Aug. 1990. The Twin Peaks pilot by David Lynch and Mark Frost was also nominated for this category. Both lost to David E. Kelly’s script for the 15th episode of L.A. Law’s season four, “Blood, Sweat and Fears.” (decades later, which series are we still discussing? – a missed opportunity Academy!).

Special Agent Rosenfield’s dialogue is memorable throughout this entire episode, especially as he attempts to finish his autopsy on Laura Palmer.

Peyton confirmed Albert Rosenfield was “his character” in a profile written by Dan Webster for The Spokesman Review on Jul. 1, 1990.

“A good example is the one character that he takes most credit for: abrasive forensics specialist Albert Rosenfeld [sic], well-performed by actor Miguel Ferrer.

‘Albert,’ Peyton said, ‘is pretty much mine.’

And he laughed along with most of the viewing audience as Ferrer imbued Rosenfeld [sic] with just the right touches of comic arrogance.

In one scene, Rosenfeld [sic] is reporting to FBI Special Agent Dale Cooper (Kyle MacLachlan) and Twin Peaks Sheriff Harry S. Truman (Michael Ontkean). Truman, who has just had a confrontation with Albert, asks a question.

‘Look,’ Rosenfeld [sic] says, feigning amazement. ‘It’s trying to think.’

‘It’s fun to write a line like that,’ Peyton said. ‘It’s even more fun when someone like Miguel does it so well.'”

ENCOUNTER AT THE TWIN PEAKS MORGUE IN EPISODE 1.003

The scene at the Twin Peaks Morgue was filmed on Monday, October 30, 1989 with director Tina Rathborne. It was the fifth scene in the script and required multiple takes and setups to capture reactions. I’ll compare Peyton’s original script with the broadcast version as some dialogue was either changed or cut.

5. INT. TWIN PEAKS MORGUE – DAY

SUDDENLY we are inside the Twin Peaks morgue in the midst of a reeling argument. DOC HAYWARD squares off opposite ALBERT ROSENFIELD, the impossibly rude pathologist. DEPUTY ANDY BRENNAN stands to the side, mute, ineffectual. And BEN HORNE physically separates the two men.

A white partition separates the men from the body of Laura Palmer.

The scene opens with a view of Laura Palmer’s body covered in a sheet on a metal autopsy table. Dr. Hayward has some additional dialogue between Albert and him off camera, highlighted in bold below.

HAYWARD
You’re the most cold-blooded man I’ve ever seen. I have never in my life met a man with so little regard for human frailty. Have you no compassion?!

ALBERT
I’ve got compassion running out of my nose, pal. I’m the Sultan of Sentiment!

In the broadcast version, Ben Horne is seen standing over Laura Palmer’s body while the argument continues between Rosenfield and Hayward. The script has Ben pushing apart the two gentlemen, which eventually happens in the episode.

Horne pushes them apart. Hayward and Albert pause, red with fury. Finally:

Albert has some cut dialogue highlighted below in bold.

 ALBERT
“Doctor” Hayward — and I use the term so loosely my gums are flapping — I have traveled thousands of miles, and apparently several centuries to this forgotten sinkhole in order to perform a series of tests. I do not ask you to understand them. I am not a cruel man. I only ask you to get the hell out of my way so I can finish my work!! 

Albert also says, “Is that clear?” By this point, the camera has pulled back to reveal more of the autopsy room.

HAYWARD
We are here to escort Laura Palmer’s body to the cemetery. If you think, for one minute, that we will leave here without her, you are out of –

HORNE
All right all right all right. Dr. Rosenfield. Please. You are not dealing with the unsophisticated here.

Ben calls Albert “Mr. Rosenfield” in the broadcast version unlike the scripted “Dr. Rosenfield.” His additional dialogue in bold above was cut.

While the script contains specific action for Albert, the broadcast only shows him composing himself.

Albert rolls his eyes so hard they, nearly spin out of the sockets.

Ben Horne takes the high road with dialogue that appears mostly as scripted. The top is the script while the bottom (bold) is the broadcasted version. Most likely changed during multiple takes of this scene.

HORNE
(the high road)
Leland Palmer could not be with us today. I have agreed to appear on his behalf. And I know I speak for all of us, the Palmer family included, when I say that we understand and appreciate the value of your work. But, as their representative, I must insist we consider the feelings of the Palmer family as well.

HORNE
Now, uh, Leland Palmer could not be with us today, but I know I speak for everyone, the Palmer family included, when I say that, uh, we appreciate and understand the value of your work. But, as their representative, I must insist we consider the feelings of the Palmer family as well.

There is a scene that was shot but cut which contained an exchange between Deputy Andy Brennan and Albert.

Deputy Andy clears his throat, figures he might assist:

ANDY
Dr. Rosenferd, we just got to get Laura’s body to the funeral on time.

Albert glares.

ALBERT
Did you speak?!

Andy wishes he was invisible. Albert turns calmly back to Horne.

Agent Rosenfield reacts to Mr. Horne’s plea with the first of several stellar chunks of dialogue. It’s incredibly impressive how well Miguel Ferrer played Albert. Some added dialogue is highlighted in bold below.

ALBERT
Mr. Horne. I realize that your position in this fair community pretty well guarantees venality, insincerity and a rather irritating method of expressing yourself. Stupidity, however, is not a necessarily inherent trait, [therefore] so please listen carefully [closely]. You can have a funeral any old time. [You] Dig hole, [you] plant coffin.

I, however, cannot perform these tests next year, next month, next week, or tomorrow! I must perform them now.

Albert reverses the scripted dialogue and doesn’t say “Bumpkin Brigade.”

[Scripted] So please, why don’t you and the rest of the Bumpkin Brigade return to porch rockers and resume whittling. I’ve got a lot of cutting and pasting to do ––

[Broadcast] I’ve got a lot of cutting and pasting to do so why don’t you return to your porch rockers and resume whittling.

Director Tina Rathborne discussed Miguel Ferrer’s performance in her audio commentary for episode 1.003

“Miguel Ferrer, I mean, the whole set could barely keep a straight face when Miguel got the drill and would go [imitating drill sound],” Tina said. “I mean, it was very hard for everybody to keep it all together, including myself. But that’s perfect, because then everybody was very. Their lines are very serious. And you have the cadaver there. So you always have this anchor against [imitating drill sound].”

HAYWARD
That does it. I’m taking charge of the body, you won’t touch Laura again from this moment on —

Albert has different broadcasted dialogue when he grabs Dr. Hayward in bold below

Hayward steps toward the partition, Albert grabs him by the arm.

ALBERT
Nor so fast, Old-Timer —

ALBERT
What they hell do you think you’re doing?

AGENT COOPER AND SHERIFF HARRY S. TRUMAN ARRIVE AT THE TWIN PEAKS MORGUE

They square off, ready to fight again. Horne tries pull them apart. And, just in time, Agent Cooper and Sheriff Truman step into the morgue, the fray.

COOPER
Gentlemen.

HAYWARD
Harry, thank God —

“I always worked on location. I had never worked on a set and we dreamed up the flying the curtains that Michael Ontkean could pull aside and the gurney could roll,” explained Rathborne in her audio commentary for episode 1.003 “And the gurney with her body on it was used as kind of a bridge between the good guys and the bad guy.”

ALBERT
Cooper, this mindless old fool is obstructing a criminal investigation. Cuff him.

I love how Rathborne blocked this scene, with Cooper and Rosenfield paired against Truman and Hayward. The FBI versus the small town.

HAYWARD
He won’t release Laura’s body for the funeral, he’s not human.

Albert has cut dialogue in bold below and Truman asks a question instead of what’s scripted.

ALBERT
Certainly has a way with an insult though.

TRUMAN
Hey that’s enough. [This wasn’t used]

[Truman says] What’s the hold up?

Albert has a slightly different reaction to Truman’s question with some cut dialogue in bold.

ALBERT
Zip it, Squarejaw.
(to Cooper)
[Please, Cooper] I do not suffer fools gladly. Fools with badges, never. I want no contact with this hulking boob – [Is that clear?]

TRUMAN
I’ve had about enough of your insults.

And now the reason I wrote this article. Albert’s dialogue and delivery is spot on in this moment. There are slightly different insults Albert hurls in the script but the end result is the same with Truman punching Albert in the jaw.

Albert steps forward, grabs him by the lapels.

ALBERT
[Scripted] Oh yeah? Well I’ve had about enough of morons and half-wits, cretins and congenital idiots, dolts, dunces, dullards, and dumbbells. And you, Chowderhead, lummox with badge and billy club, you, Sheriff Yokel you blithering hayseed, you have had enough of me!??

[Broadcast] Oh yeah? Well, I’ve had about enough of morons and half-wits, dolts, dunces, dullards, and dumbbells. And you, chowderhead yokel, you blithering hayseed, you’ve had enough of me?

TRUMAN
(calm as ice)
Yes I have.

Truman levels Albert with a single punch to the jaw. Albert tumbles backward onto his butt. A beat. Albert looks up at Truman, shocked beyond measure. Cooper intervenes in a flash. He turns to Truman, orders:

COOPER
Harry, wait in the car.

Truman starts to speak, sees the steel in Cooper’s eyes. He exits without a word.

As Albert gets up from being punched, he says most of the dialogue in the script. His line “Why not gunplay?” is omitted but it was filmed during a take.

ALBERT
Oh well. That’s nice. How appropriate.
(gets to his feet, yells after Truman)
The rustic sucker punch. Why not gunplay? A hail of bullets would be nice —

COOPER
That’s enough. The Sheriff didn’t mean anything.

ALBERT
He hit me.

COOPER
Well. I’m sure he meant to do that.

Albert starts to rail, but Cooper shuts him up with a gesture.

COOPER
Albert, I want the girl’s body released to her family now. I want to see your test results by noon. Those are orders.

Albert weighs his options, nods assent, marches off. A tense beat. Ben Horne clears his throat. Doc Hayward turns to Cooper.

Dr. Hayward thanks Agent Cooper. The scene cuts to a wider shot of Andy departing which means there was additional footage captured but not used.

HAYWARD
Thank you, Agent Cooper.

Cooper nods. Hayward, Horne, and Andy follow Albert out of the room. A beat. Cooper remains, looks at the white partition. He steps toward it.

AGENT COOPER WITH LAURA PALMER AT THE TWIN PEAKS MORGUE

The final part of this scene at the Twin Peaks Morgue is incredibly moving. Cooper is along with dead Laura Palmer. Action seen in the episode is missing in the script.

ANGLE ON PARTITION

Agent Cooper pauses for a moment. stares quietly at Laura Palmer’s body. HOLD ON Cooper. The sadness in his eyes.

It’s touching that Cooper grabs Laura’s hand to reposition her arm after being knocked out from the fight with Albert and Truman.

He repositions her arm on her chest.

The scene closes with Cooper staring at Laura Palmer.

FADE OUT.

Rathborne didn’t realize at the time of filming how much this scene would play a formative part of Cooper throughout the series.

“But I didn’t really understand when I was making it was how much it was a bildungsroman of Coop’s – what he was learning and that seems much more sophisticated than I had understood it to be when I was there.” she reflected in her audio commentary for this episode.

Harley Peyton may not have won the Emmy Award for writing this episode, but can you provide any memorable quote from the L.A. Law episode that did?

Decades after this episode first aired in April 1990, Albert Rosenfield’s snappy “chowderhead yokel” speech remains a shining example of excellent dialogue delivered by an outstanding actor, Miguel Ferrer.